Let me start with the strongest word on the title for me which is “frightened.” I would love to give notice to it because it wasn’t easy for me to accept it. I always think of myself as someone strong. Someone who could deal with any pain inflicted. Little do I know that the strong persona I have was a result of another feeling, FEAR.
Three years ago wasn’t as dramatic as it is today. I was a normal teen always looking for love, venturing what love brings and exposing myself to the possibilities of love. Cringing while typing this, I must admit how love was my number one priority.
I never felt fear back then nor have it hit my thoughts. I admit I was complacent. I thought that love would stay til I grow old. But just like every other teen relationships, that love ended. I was left alone. The love I used to enjoy slowly drifted away from me. I tried stopping it just to be clear. I tried every thing I could to make it stay but it didn’t want to. It made everything clear that it cannot reciprocate what I could offer anymore.
With that pain punctured, it slowly grew and became FEAR. I tried plenty of times finding ways to remove the thoughts of being left again. I tried dating and done plenty of fun times (IYKWIM) but all of those just made the FEAR in me stronger. It was a wrong move that I couldn’t undo.
Now I am stuck with it. I am in a lost voyage towards finding the escape route. A place away from doubts and definitely away from FEAR. Though I must say that after these three years, I have been sort of opening up again. Little by little I have been trying to entertain love once more. I just hope that this adventure turns out well. I would like to learn how to re-love (if that’s even a word).
Pretty sure some of you who could relate might be thinking that this post might hold solutions on how to love again but sadly I cannot give any as well. I do think that to be able to escape from what you are encountering right now you should be the one to find your own solution. Instructional manuals on how to remove fear in loving cannot solve it for you. Keep it mind that they are patterned on generic pains and only you could understand clearly what you have experienced.
My only advice is to not rush with the process. Let love and pain drag you on which path to take and allow yourself to feel what is necessary. Do not be like me who wanted to rush everything and ended up making it worse. I assure you that after that pain’s done, eventually you’ll learn to love again.
I do hope I myself would learn to love as well so I could also answer the question, How do a frightened heart love again?